


At the End of the Tunnel

by kennedie_exe



Series: A Fragile Mind [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Also I just wanted some angst, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, But I never give him happiness oops, Connor Deserves Happiness, Heavy Angst, Human AU btw, I blame discord for this one tbh, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 01:11:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18458393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kennedie_exe/pseuds/kennedie_exe
Summary: There was only so much Connor could take. His life.... he was close to taking that too. The hotline was his last resort





	At the End of the Tunnel

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I don't have much to say about this except for TW for some deep stuff. Heed my tags.  
> Also, Parker and Mimo said angst and I said "Okay"

The old phrase stating how there was a light at the end of the tunnel was nothing but a crude joke. Darkness was all Connor knew; He let it sink and manifest too much within himself and it drowned him deeper and deeper into a black hole of despair. The worthlessness left him hallow, like an empty shell of his former self. Just… _Empty_.

 

The days grew longer, the inability to get out of bed became more pressing, and eating more than a piece of toast made him sick to his stomach. But he didn't care if he were sick; His body had already grown so fragile and weak. If he looked into the mirror, he could see the dark circles around his eyes, skin paper white. Further down one could see the way his ribcage was exposed from lack of nutrition. He didn't care one bit; It was one more reason for him to not care if he just dropped dead because of it.

 

He was just so done with it _all_.

 

The scars both internal and external were too much to deal with anymore. There were several different outlets he could take, some more painful than others but Connor almost felt numb to the thought. He was numb to reality, unable to think of anything but how useless he was. No one needed him or wanted him, he had no friends or family that cared about him. Everything was so short lived and he didn't want to be reminded on just how much of a disappointment he was.

 

Life was abysmal with nothing ever going his way so why even… _try anymore_? Could he get help? Connor could, but he didn't have the means to do so. He quit his job months prior since he was too anxious and depressed to do it anymore. He lost the drive he once had, lost all hope of ever doing anything without being seen as a failure, and it struck him so hard how the world just seemed to hate him.

 

He lived alone. He never really ate, never really did anything but to go to the bathroom just to return back into his bed and think about ways just to escape it all. Some days are just a bit more bearable, but most days dragged on and Connor didn't want to live every day like this.

 

He couldn't _live_ like this.

 

The nights were the worst. He could disappear without a trace; He could leave this world and not a single soul would care. The demons would come out, crawling up his neck, sitting on his shoulder just to repeat the things he had ingrained in himself every single day.

 

_What's the point?_

_You'll always be worthless._

_You don't belong here._

_It'd be so much easier if you just ended it._

 

Connor believed every single subconscious thought he had. He even wrote some thoughts down along with the added few ways to go away without ever returning.

 

There was never a light at the end of the tunnel, only deeper darkness that stretched into the beyond.

 

He contemplated the inevitable too much, but he somehow always talked himself out of it. That fateful night though, he was losing control. His mind was beginning to deteriorate, that mental decline had gone dangerous, and he was becoming a danger to him. He used to be able to ebb his pain away, but a jagged pair of scissors or a used razor blade just didn't help anymore. The pill bottle was tempting, but he didn't have enough to do the deed. The temptation was so strong, the nearest bridge seemed plausible or even a tall building—

 

He just… he didn't care about his life anymore.

 

The morbid feeling never ceased

 

It was impossible to get better.

 

But there was always a tug inside of him that stopped from doing anything too daunting. Though, Connor wasn't sure if the pull was helping this time. The thoughts hammered into his head over and over and over and he wanted it to stop. He wanted everything to just stop.

 

His hands shook as he reached for the nearby pair of scissors only to toss them across the room. The pill bottle remained, uncapped and ready for consumption but he didn't do it either. He was pathetic. He was too much of a fucking failure to even do anything, but that thought alone fueled him and yet all he could do was crumble onto the floor and scream.

 

He was so tired of feeling as he did, tired of going each day with the thought of a better world without him, and he was just tired. He didn't know if he could cry himself into cardiac arrest, but he was going to try and probably fail like he away did. Crying never helped, it only made him look even weaker than he already did. Nothing could help him, no one could help him.

 

That bridge _was_ in running distance…

 

There was this teeny tiny voice telling him not to, but the more prominent voices say how it would be easier than continuing on. That was when he scrambled up to get his phone. If he didn't call anyone right then, he honestly thought he wouldn't make it to the morning. The clock on his phone read 4:02 am, his hand shook as he pressed the number he saved on his phone as a last resort.

 

The dial rang for a second or two before the automated system was heard.

 

_"You have reached the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, also servicing the Veterans service line. If you are in emotional distress or suicidal crisis or are concerned about someone who might be, we're here to help. Please remain on the line while we route your call to the nearest crisis center in our network."_

 

Connor was shaking, nearly hyperventilating as he waited out the treacherous seconds on hold. The hold didn't last too long because soon there was a voice on the line that was very familiar but Connor was too out of his mind to pick that tidbit up.

 

“Hello, I'm here to help you. You can speak how much or how little as you want. I just want to make sure you are safe.” And Connor was silent for a moment, nothing but his frantic breath could be heard. “Do you think you can take a deep breath for me? In through your nose, out through your mouth only for a few times.” The speaker directed and Connor did his best to follow; Taking one deep breath in before letting it out as instructed. He did it a few times before he was sure he could actually speak.

 

“I—” And his voice cracked, a new wave of emotions hit and he was so close to hanging up the phone—

 

“Take your time. We can be here as long as you need.” The reassurance made things not much better, but better than before.

 

“I-I n-need help. I'm a waste of space… I'm nothing to this world. I want to escape it but….b-but I'm so scared.” He didn't know exactly what he was afraid of. May it be himself, the world, or the danger he could put himself in, he was terrified.

 

“Being afraid is okay, but I want to let you know that you have nothing to be afraid of right now. I'm right here and you can continue talking if you want.” The voice on the line was soothing, caring, almost like they actually cared but to Connor, it was just a ruse.

 

“The bridge is too far away… I-I don't have any rope… I only have two capsules of my medication left… I don't know what else to do.”

 

“You do not need those items right now. Do you have any family or nearby relatives? Friends? Coworkers?” Connor didn't take too kindly to the question but he forced himself to say something back.

 

“N-no not really… No one really cares about me. I'm so alone. I'm so close to losing control and I just— No amount of help will do anything. I'll always be like this so why am I still here living this pain every day knowing I won't get better?” His emotions were cascading down like a waterfall, continuously falling out of him. “I think… it would be better if… I was gone. No one would ever know and I'd be free from this constant agony that I've lived for too long. I-I think I should go—”

 

“Hey, I want you to take those deep breaths again and listen to my words, okay?  You're worth more than you think. Everyone in this world has a special purpose, even you.” Connor did take those few breaths. “Inhale hope, exhale doubt. You might not think it, but there are people out there who care about you. Also, there are therapy centers in the area, just in case you need a person-to-person interaction.” Connor continued to breathe and listen, unable to really respond without just blatantly hanging up.

 

_Inhale hope, exhale doubt._

 

He took in the words, his mind doing as it usually did with filtering out any hopeful words and turning them into lies. There was a very small part in his mind that did seem to take in the rationale which was probably why he hadn't hung up thus far. He kept breathing and listening, trying the steer his mind in another direction.

 

“Still there?”

 

“Y-yes… I just don't know what to say…”

 

“That's okay too. Again, you can speak how much or how little. I think you should get in contact with a friend or family member later today. They will be willing to help you. You're strong, and you're brave. Everything will alright.” And it was difficult to believe anything spoke to him that was of high regard. He didn't feel strong or brave, but this person on the phone actually… _cared_. He didn't think anyone would care.

 

“I'm so tired…”

 

“You can rest whenever you want. Just know that you're special and one of a kind to this world.”

 

“Can... Can you tell me I'm not a failure? Tell me that I just won't waste away. Tell me not to run to the bridge. I just— I-I need to hear it.” Connor grew a bit frantic but, _inhale hope, exhale doubt_. He liked the spoken reassurance, even the smallest amount seemed to do something for him.

 

“You're not a failure at all, you're a preserver. You've been strong this whole time. And do not put yourself in a dangerous situation. Right now, you have me. You've lost your way, but you can pave it again. I believe in you, C-... I believe in your ability to do better. You will get better.”

 

His mind began to defog itself, clearing some of the earlier thoughts as his emotions began to simmer down. He felt more in control of himself, a better grasp on reality and he didn't feel as alone as he did before the call. He took in those breaths again, soon coming to his senses a little more.

 

He knew who that voice was on the line. He didn't intend for the person to hear him in such a state because they haven't spoken in so long. Definitely, haven't spoken about his mental state so this was all coming out at once.

 

“M-Markus?” His voice was small with uncertainty, a bit concerning if the person wasn't actually one of his old close friends. He knew hotlines were supposed to be confidential but he just wanted to be sure. He knew Markus worked somewhere like this but the odds of getting connected to him seemed one and a million.

 

“Yes, yes it's me... And you're not alone in this. You can trust in me and others to help you. You're a good person and you'll be okay. What you're feeling is not forever, but it can and will get better. I promise.”

 

_Promise?_

 

That's a heavy word. Promises were difficult to keep but Markus said it like he knew he could keep it. Connor was slowly thinking he could make it another day, another battle of time ticking down, but knowing that he had someone took a small burden off his shoulders.

 

“C-can we meet later on? I just need to be around someone…”

 

“Of course. You can call on me whenever you need to. You can also call my phone if that's more convenient. I'll always be there to help.” And Connor began to cry but not out of pity or self-worth, he cried because it felt nice to hear someone say how they would be there for him. He never thought someone would care, or he pushed it back so far he never sought to believe it, but it began to resonate.

 

“I think I'm okay now… I-I… I'm sorry you had to see me like this. Darkness and giving up is all I've known but your words take a bit of false hope and turned it real. Th-Thank you so much for listening to me.” Connor took another deep breath, letting it out and feeling more stable than he had ever been.

 

It could be all temporary. Come tomorrow he may be just as he always been or even worse, but at that moment, he thought he could make it a little longer.

 

“Thank you for calling in. If you think you're safe, then I think you should try to get some rest. But you can keep talking if you want.” Markus' words brought him nearly back to his senses. He was calm, he could make it through.

 

“I think I should sleep. Or… can I call you on your phone? If you're able?”

 

“You can. I'll be right here.”

 

“Okay… then I'm hanging up now, goodbye for a moment.” Connor hung up, basking a bit in the silence before he dialed a more familiar number.

 

They had a similar conversation. A lot of Markus talking and reassuring and that voice was just so soothing to listen to that Connor was slowly dozing off to sleep. The pressure he once had became a bit more bearable. He felt more in tune with everything and just the inkling of hope seemed to dig its way into him.

 

They talked for roughly an extra hour, up until Connor yawned on his end.

 

“It's almost 6. I believe you should go to bed soon.” And Connor just wanted to stay in the moment and listen to a voice so comforting and caring. But he knew he shouldn't hog Markus' time especially with the job he had.

 

“You're right… I'll go to sleep. And Markus?”

 

“Yes?” Then he was quiet for a second, holding back the few tears that threatened to come down.

 

“Thank you for everything.”

 

“Anything to help a friend in need. I'll see you later, okay?”

 

“Yes, later. I can't thank you enough for your help.”

 

“You don't need to thank me. I'm always willing to help.”

 

They soon said their goodbyes. Connor did his best to knock the demons off his shoulders and tried to get some rest. He probably wouldn't, but he looked forward to seeing Markus later on.

 

Looking forward to something…

 

Maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel after all.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> But hey, a happish ending. A bit rushed because I literally didn't know how to end it but if you liked this regardless, let me know! I don't have enough angst on here and I need to change that :)


End file.
